March 2017

Another busy productive interesting month.

What has happened? Well rat dog went back to melbourne and left us a parting gift of a flea infestation in the bedroom. They are difficult to get rid of. We vacated the house and slept in Jess’s van. Daily vacuuming and Neem spray didnt quite do the trick so we had to resort to commercial carpet spray, that sorted the buggers out.

The main thing I wanted to share this post was about health. Its hard to  put into words what I want to share but Ill try.
I have definitely been feeling different since passing the hundred or so gallstones, not sure what normal feels like anymore so I have been trying to take it fairly easy and being much more conscious of what I put into my body. It feels like I have purged a whole bunch of negativity and awfulness that has been lingering inside me since long ago in darker times, but at the same time I didn’t seem to feel any better, kind of confused and listless. Anyhow we had a little mushroom ceremony at home one night, I don’t usually have much to do with them, but it felt like the right thing to do. I asked them to help me with my body cleansing efforts and to help me move forward with my health consciousness and plans for the future.
Things got really interesting. I got really hot, uncomfortable and itchy. Really itchy. It felt like there were tiny fleas nibbiling all through my hair, beard, armpits and groin. Awful. Then sickness, stomach pains, dry retching, burping, phlegm and general awful. Then I was pretty much incapacitated, face down spreadeagled on the floor flopping around like a fish out of water. I still had a smile on my face, but boy it was hard work. Then we started talking.. In the next few hours I had so many realisations. I realised I am still suffering from depression. Which shocked me. I am generally very happy these days and loving my life, but I realise there is a struggle underlying my otherwise happy existence, the struggle to care. 
I think it is residual damage from having spent maybe a decade teetering through suicidal depression and chronic neck injuries In the pain and misery I think my biggest goal was usually ‘I just want to do nothing, without any pain’ and now that the pain is gone and I am happy, those habits are still there, ignore what my body feels and do nothing. I had just written it of as laziness in the past or filed it all under ‘normal’ and forgotten about it. Now I realise there is some serious issues going on there. Because I spent so much time ignoring the pain and my physical sensations, its hard to know what are healthy sensations in my body and what might be illness abormality or sickness.
Because I spent so much time wanting to do nothing and just feel ok, my motivation seems to be compromised. It is very difficult to want to do anything, so that is what I have spent the majority of my time doing for … years. Sure I still acheive things, but it has been a constant struggle to get things rolling, it has affected almost every aspect of my life, wanting to take care of my health has been difficult, even listening to music! For the longest time I would still put music on, but wouldnt have the motivation to actually listen to it. So now I am finding that I dont even know the words or meanings of most of the music that is most important to me! I wouldn’t care enough to notice how substances affected me, sugar, caffiene, chocolate, wouldnt sense a  thing until Id had way too much.
Taking care of my plants, my life and planning for the future has all happened, but it has all been compromised, just doing enough to get by or scrape through and then returning back to doing nothing.
I sensed that on this wild funghi journey that these issues I were discovering was not just laziness as I had previously seen it, but more like emotional/psychological trauma and an imbalance of brain chemistry, which they mushrooms were working hard to fix. (Thus me flopping around on the floor gurgling and contorting rediscovering my life from another perspective)
There is so much shame and disappointment tied into these realisations. That I have not been fully present for my friends and family, that I have not given my all to my relationships, that I have not cared for my beloved plants the way I could have. That I don’t even know how to keep my most valuable possesions ordered and tidy because I forgot how to care about them! I feel like my memory has become really flakey because I stopped caring enough to remember… names… where I put things… what I want to do today.. everything.
All this left me a bit despondant afterwards. I though I was past depression and forgot that there would be lots of big things I still needed to work out.. meditation and yoga practices suffered for a bit there but Im getting back on track again now.

I wish I could say that realising all this changed it, however things are still a struggle… but it is a little easier. I can sense some changes in my brain. I am more aware of the cloud of apathy approaching and I can avoid it more easily. I have been eating fresh brahmi every day to try and stimulate better memory retention, I have just generally being trying to care about things more. For example caring about where a cup goes when I am finished with it. Tidy environment certainly helps my brain space.
I have ordered a bunch of turkey tail, cordyceps, reishi, medicinal mushrooms to try and introduce into my diet, and see how they affect my general productivity and well being. Trying to become more aware of my body. observing how I feel throughout the day and trying to notice/care about how food or exercise or anything makes me body feel or react.

Im really grateful to have a loving caring Jess for a partner who does care and is patient and wants to help me through my cobwebs and bullshit to become the me I know I can be. Words cant express how fortunate Iam to have that support.

 I have been getting lots of information come to me about diet and nutrition and trying to put it ito practice, eating heaps of fibre and nuts and seeds. Im still researching my nutritional tactics and maybe Ill write about them more later.

So I really felt like I wanted to share my mental health revelations and  see if others can relate to what I am talking about. If anybody has had similar experiences Iwould love to hear any thoughts or strategies people have or use.

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We completed our WIRES training. (native wildlife rescue and care) It was really good! They are very organised, the information was really good, they gave us everything we need to get started.
I was really impressed with the training, the brought along bird corpses that had been euthanised from rescues where they would not survive, so we got to examine everything from spoonbills falcons cockatoos kookaburras right down to tiny little finches and wrens. Actually getting hands on and feeling the injuries and the body mechanics makes me feel much more confident about handling live birds.
I was also really impressed that they have established a good rapport with all the local vets, so volunteers dont have to pay for rescues that need examination.

The very next day after completing our course, we had our first rescue. Neighbours found a sick Kookaburra that wasnt flying away, so we took her into to an experienced carer. Unfortunately she was too sick to recover by the time she was rescued, already very underweight but kept comfortable and warm and humanely euthanised.

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So we visited another carer, the bat lady. She is wonderfuly and spends most of her time caring for fruit bats. I didn’t know this but fruit bats are a keystone species for Australian bushland, apparently there are the only effective pollinator of many eucalypt species, as some eucalypts can only be pollinated effectivaly at night. So bats are super important and apparently not doing well on the east coast at the moment. We are definitely keen to do some bat care soon, but have to get our lyssa virus shots before we can handle them.

This is Boof the black fruit bat. Blacks are apparently the biggest, growing up to 1kg and wingspan of up to 1m. Hes very cute, and young bats love a cuddle.
Another cool bat fact I picked up, buts are nectavores, they dont actually eat fruit.. they squeeze the juice out of it and spit out the pulp! (and they eat nectar) This way they keep the weight down for flying.

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The little fellows are Coucal Pheasants, Centropus phasianinus.

These chaps were at the carers place to which we took the sick Kookaburra. They are very noisy and cute, and prefer to have food tweezered into their mouths rather than pick it up themselves.

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The snake that likes to knock pictures off the wall decided to sleep in the kitchen the other day. He quite generously  tolerated us feeling his scales. We are really looking forward to doing the WIRES snake handling course in November.

This fellow has lovely markings, and has been the most prominent house huntsman this month.

One day of the mango harvest. We were not prepared. Lost so many mangoes to overripening. I think that bats at 70% of the total mango harvest, but now I understand the bats a bit better, Im not even mad. I was foolishly waiting til the magoes were very ripe, but the best way to eat them is when they are still a little green, oh my god. sweet and sour mango flesh is heaven.

I thought this one looked a little… sleepy? Sick? a gentle nudge sent him leaping off the balcony and into the bush. Must store chemicals better so frogs cant get near them.

This is the biggest wasp Ive ever seen in person. He seems pretty chill. Not aggressive. He just collects grubs from somewhere to put in the nest. About 5cm  from head to tail.

Jess got me this wonderful present because I am very lucky. It is hand cut and welded from rose gold. theres two bands that have been forged together as one ring. This is another piece by Jean Burgers. Almost all the jewelry I wear on a daily basis comes from her. I highly recommend you check out her stuff.
https://www.jeanburgers.com

There is more to write but this has been hard and I feel like its too long already. My love to everyone whos reading this I hope you’re feeling wonderful and enjoying life.